THE STORY


I’VE GOT A GOOD STORY FOR YOU, WELL ACTUALLY TWO STORIES. IT RELATES TO, “I FORGOT!” AND “SHIT BEING
BUT THE SECOND, WELL YEA.  
I GOT THIS 20 FT., 14 INCH PIPE THAT HAD SOME BAD WRINGERS AND DENTS IN IT. ALL DAY LONG I THOUGHT HOW I
COULD GET THEM OUT, JACKS, HAMMERS, ETC. THEM I CAME UP WITH IT, I’LL DO THE OLD CANNON TRICK ON HER,
OXYGEN AND ACETYLENE. THE FIRST THING I HAD TO DO WAS PLUG THE ENDS. THE BEST PLACE FOR THE PIPE
WHERE THERE WAS A GOOD BANK, WHICH WAS ACROSS MY ROAD. SO I RAM ONE END IN THE BANK TO PLUG THE
END AND PUT A BOARD ON THE OTHER END AND RUN THE LOADER AGAINST IT. I FILLED HER UP AND PUT A
BLASTING CAP WITH A FUSE IN A HOLE, WHICH THE HOLE WAS A LITTLE TO BIG, SO I PUT SOME PUTTY AROUND IT
TO KEPT IT FROM FALLING IN. WHEN THE FUSE BURNED DOWN TO THE CAP, IT WENT OUT. WELL, THEN I USED
LIQUID STEEL AND FILLED THE PIPE UP AGAIN. SHIT! SAME THING. SO I FOUND SOME ELECTRIC BLASTING CAPS. HEY
I WAS IN BUSINESS NOW. I RUN MY PICKUP DOWN AND WITH 200 FEET OF WIRE, FILLED HER UP AGAIN AND SET HER
OFF. SON OF A BITCH!!! A LIGHT CHARGE, BUT IT STRAIGHTENED IT OUT SOME. SO I PUT ANOTHER CHARGE IN HER
AND SET IT OFF. AS YOU CAN SEE IN THE PICTURES IT WAS A LITTLE MUCH CAUSE I LOST A COUPLE FEET ON EACH
END OF HER, BUT THE REST OF HER WAS NICE AND ROUND. I WAS REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF. THIS SUCKER WAS
LIKE NEW, EXCEPT FOR THE ENDS. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF THAT I NEEDED TO MOVE IT, BUT THEN, “ WHAT DUMB
ASS WOULDN’T SEE THAT FUCKIN PIPE ACROSS THE ROAD”. FOR CHRIST SAKE, IT WAS 20 FT. LONG AND 14 IN. IN
DIAMETER AND THEY COULD DRIVE AROUND IT.
WELL ABOUT 9:30 PM THAT NIGHT, WHICH WAS A SUPER NIGHT FOR RIDING, I WENT TO THE STORE FOR MILK AND
BANANAS. (ON MY BIKE) COMIN HOME I HAD FIRE COMIN OUT OF THE EXHAUST OF THAT HOG ON THAT ROAD. I WAS
LIKE A MOTORCROSS RIDER RIDIN IN THE SUPER CROSS SLIDING AROUND THE CORNERS AND ALL. HELL, I WAS
COOKIN!! NOTHING ELSE ON MY MIND AND WITH COOL NIGHT AIR BLOWING THROUGH MY HAIR, I WAS IN MY
ELEMENT. THE LIGHTS ON THE BIKE NEEDED TO BE ADJUSTED CAUSE THEY WHERE IN THE TREES. SO WHEN I
TOPPED THE HUMP IN THE ROAD AND COME DOWN THE OTHER SIDE,  “HOLLY MOTHER OF GOD!!” JUST ABOUT 15
YARDS IN FRONT OF ME WAS THAT SHITTIN ASS PIPE THAT I WAS SOO PROUD OF AND THAT ANY DUMB ASS COULD
HAVE SEEN IN THE DAYLIGHT.
I NEED TO STOP THERE FOR A MOMENT. THIS IS A LONG WAY AROUND MY ORIGINAL STORY, BUT IT IS COMPARABLE
ABOUT SHIT BEING ACROSS A ROAD AT NIGHT AND IT KIND OF FITS.
D LEE AND ME WERE GOING UP TO ALTURAS LAST YEAR. THE ROAD IS NOT TRAVELED THAT MUCH, SO WHERE’RE
PEGGING 100 MPH.  ABOUT 20 MINUTES IN THE RIDE I KEPT SMELLING SOMETHING. SOMETHING BURNING. WELL I
FIGURED THAT RUNNIN 100 MPH, THE BIKE WAS HOTTER THAN USUAL. ABOUT 20 MORE MILES OR SO I PASSED THIS
LARGE CAR (18 WHEELER) AND WOW! I COULD REALLY SMELL SOMETHING. A FEW MORE MILES I THOUGHT I
BETTER PULL OFF THE ROAD AND SEE WHAT THE FUCK. HOLLY SHIT!! MY LEATHER SADDLE BAG THAT I BORROW
FROM A FRIEND WAS A BLAZE WITH FLAMES. WOULD HE EVEN BELIEVE ME WHEN I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED???
WHEN I GOT OFF THE BIKE I KIND OF SLAPPED THE BAG. WRONG THING TO DO, IT WAS LIKE A SMALL EXPLOSION.
NOW IT WAS PANIC CITY!!  FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES THERE I WAS RIPPING BAGS OFF THE BIKE, THROWING DIRT,
JUMPING UP AND DOWN AND DOING WHAT ELSE I COULD DO OR FIND TO PUT THE BLAZE OUT AND NOT STARTING
THE DESERT ON FIRE OR BURN UP THE BIKE! IT MUST HAVE BEEN QUITE A PERFORMANCE, ME FLOPPING AROUND
OUT THERE CAUSE WHEN THAT TRUCK DRIVER THAT I PASSED DOWN THE ROAD A WAYS WAS BLOWING THE HORN
AND ALL I COULD SEE WAS TEETH FROM HIS GRIN AS HE PASSED. MAN, IT LOOKED LIKE HE HAD SOME BIG SHITTIN
ASS TEETH TOO!
I GUESS WHAT HAPPENED IS THAT I HAD A SMALL PLASTIC BOTTLE OF TEQUILA AND BECAUSE OF US RUNNIN HARD;
THE HEAT OF THE EXHAUST MELTED A HOLE IN THE BOTTLE, WHICH STARTED LEAKING AND CAUGHT FIRE. CELL
PHONE, TOILETRIES, SHIRT, BAG AND WHAT EVER ELSE THAT WERE IN THE BAG WERE TOASTED!! IT ALL CAME OUT
IN ONE BIG CLUMP! SOME OF THE STUFF WAS UNIDENTIFIABLE. DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT WAS??  ALL
EXCEPT PART OF THAT BOTTLE OF “TEQUILA!” WHICH WAS HOTTER THEN HELL AND THE TASTE WITH THAT
PLASTIC IN IT. I CAN’T EXPLAIN THAT TASTE OR THE AROMA, BUT IT KIND OF GAVE YOU THE DRY HEAVES. JUST
THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE!    
ANYWAY LATER THAT DAY IN THE WEE HOURS ABOUT 4:00 AM WE WERE GOING DOWN THIS DIRT ROAD THAT I HAVE
NEVER HAVE BEEN ON, WITH D LEE BEHIND ME, AND “HAULING ASS, ME THAT IS.” I LOOK UP AND THERE’S A 3/8 CHAIN
(A SHINNING NEW ONE AT THAT) ACROSS THE ROAD ABOUT CHEST HIGH. FIRST THING COMES TO MIND IS, “LAY IT
DOWN!!!!!” MY HEAD HIT THE GROUND SO HARD THAT IT RIPPED MY HELMET OFF AND SKINNED UP MY HEAD, ARMS,
LEGS AND NOSE. IT TOOK ME ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR TO GET SQUARED AWAY AND PICK UP ALL MY SHIT AND
TENDED TO MY WOUNDS. I WAS READY TO CONTINUE ON OUR ADVENTURE AND I LOOKED FOR D LEE. I COULDN’T
SEE HIM, BUT I COULD SEE HIS BIKE. WELL HELL, THEN I SAW HIM, HE WAS CURLED UP ASLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE ROAD. I WOKE HIM UP AND WE WERE ON OUR WAY, AGAIN.  
OK, GETTING BACK ON TRACK WITH THE PIPE STORY. THAT WAS PRETTY SIMPLE, THE CHAIN, THAT IS, “LAY IT
DOWN”. SO, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU DO IN THIS SITUATION WITH THIS PIPE????? YOU GOT ABOUT ONE SECOND
AND A HALF TO THINK UP SOMETHING FAST ABOUT A RESOLUTION TO THIS SITUATION! I MEAN REAL FUCKIN FAST! I
BURNED UP ABOUT A HALF A SECOND THINKING, “BRAKES.” ANOTHER HALF SECOND OR SO THINKING, “WHAT THE
FUCK!”  AND I GUESS WHAT WAS LEFT OVER, I WAS THINKING, “THIS IS GONA-FUCKIN-HURT.” SO AFTER WEARING A
FLAT SPOT ON MY REAR TIRE, I STOOD UP AND HIT THAT MOTHER AND IT SHOT ME IN THE AIR FOR HOW LONG OR
HOW HIGH, ONLY GOD KNOWS. I KIND OF FELT LIKE THAT I WAS IN THE SPACE SHUTTLE CAUSE I SWORE THAT I
SEEN SPARKS COMIN OUT OF MY ASS AND I THOUGHT I SAW THE LIGHTS OF RENO FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS!  
THE MILK AND TWO BANANAS CAME OUT UNTARNISHED, BUT THE BIKE AND ME WERE LITTLE SKINNED UP AND DAMN
IF I DIDN’T GET MY NOSE AGAIN. MAYBE I GOT A BIG ONE OR SOMETHING??  
THE NEXT DAY I SPENT 2 ½ HOURS CUTTING THE U OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE PIPE AND WELDING IT BACK
TOGETHER.




IS THERE A MORAL TO THIS STORY?

YEP!


“SHIT HAPPENS!”
BENT UP PIPE WHEN I FIRST ACQUIRED IT
BLOWN OUT ENDS AFTER A LITTLE TO MUCH GAS
AFTER I HIT IT WITH THE BIKE
NOTICE THE SKID MARK